<< Nyekk >> Restart

First I have to warn you,it will be a long post,and maybe it isn't useful for anyone else but me.Those of you reading this blog (yes,those few) may have already seen post like this from me,about changes I wanted to make in my life. The fact is, I did not changed much of my life since them. Because of that,I got more and more fed up with myself,until this point. My life mostly reduced to work, and then going home, logging onto the net, and waiting for someone to talk to me. After a few months, It became a routine, the kind of you can't break free easily. Yesterday I had a lot of time thinking about my life, do I really need this? And based on this, I have decided to renovate my life, because this is not the only problem I have with it. I need to seriously patch up my personality problems.

The first thing I adressed is physical condition. I started doing regular workout at home during the summer,but maybe for not eating enough to support it, they weren't really effective. Nowdays I realized it's not really muscles that I want. Ofcourse it would be good to look like someone moviestar, but if not, then it's not something I would die for, nevet cared about looks anyways, as long as I don't look shabby. I would rather have stamina, as I get tired just running for yhe bus, panting for minutes afterwards, which is pathetic I think at my age. And starting Thai Chi perfectly fitted into this plan,it's something that gives you stamina. But I wanted a little more, something I could do every day. The problem is after I get home from work, I'm too tired to do anything. Lately I have problems with sleeping (more on that later), so I came up with the idea: I will do some sports before work, as I get up early anyway. So today I woke up at the usual five o'clock in the morning, I got up, got dressed,grabbed my music,and went jogging. I ran around the local streets, not much, only ten minutes. But that's enough for now. I always had problems getting out of bed, now this solves it. After this little round, and a shower, I was fully awake, and it actually felt good.

Moving on, the next thing is also physical, it's about food. After I started working, I began to eat irregularly, having lunch now and then. And I'm eathing a lot of unhealthy food also. I want to be healthier, so starting from today I will make my own sandwiches and food for work. It's also much better tasting :)

The next thing is the only thing I love and earlier I felt that I was good at it. It's Japanese. Lately it became neglected, not that I didn't have time for it at the evenings. I just didn't do it, stating to myself I'm not in the mood now. Now that the exam is so close,and I'm got to the point where i'm strugling with tests, I should seeieously change that. I have to allocate at least 1 hour a day studying.

Than there is the my thesis, to stay on the studying grounds, I'm not really did anything with it for almost a year. But I need to finish college this semester, as it's more and more becomes a burden, and I don't feel I am fitting in anymore. When I go to lesson, it feels like I'm a guest,an outsider.

I already told you about the problems with sleeping, it's not really that I cannot sleep, I can, but I often dream. And dreams are the source of most of my sleeping problems. When I was younger, I loved my dreams, because they were always about something I longed for, and I liked having fantasies about what my life will be in the future. This nature of my dreams hadn't changed at all, only me. Now these dreams tell me about a life I will never ever have, and though it feels good while dreaming it, waking up into reality easily throws me to depression. I am yet to solve this problem, as I really not having much control over my dreams. Until then, waking up at night and staring hour at the ceiling remains.

And it just trails over to the next thing, depression. For me, it's a very scary thing, as I can't control it either, and it really messes up my daily life. Actually I have the worst type, with rapid mood changes. The worst thing about it, is that I don't want to feel sad and down, but I just do. And the more I think about it, the more I slide deeper into depression. And when it strikes, I just lie around for hours having no motivation to do anything. And after some hour I feel pathetic about it which makes me even more depressed. The thing is, now it comes more and more often, now I don't like being left alone, because when i'm with others, i don't have time to think. But when i'm alone, my mind becomes cloudy, and I can't really occupy it with anything else. It helps when I talk with someone, but I don't have many contacts to talk to, and they are quickly get irritated about my depressed state, so i'm left alone again. I thought about getting professional treatment, as depression is genetically inherited, and not without precedent in my family. My fathers brother has committed suicide at the age of 24, and my sister is presently treated with maniac depression. Looming at my present state, i got that bad gene alright. I would really like to get did of this, I was always a cheerful person, and it kills me that i have to endure this.

Some months ago i believed that I have to move to a different place to have a fresh start, to change my life. Lately i realized it's just an excuse, like when you wait for the clock to show round time to get out of bed in the morning. Because it's doesn't imatter where I live, but how I live is more important. So i will wait for the time when it's finally possible for me to get my own appartment. It became a little lower priority over all the other things.

I don't think anyone will read all this, but I just felt I need to finally write these out. I hope that it always reminds me where I must be heading.

Sorry about taking up so much space for this nonsense.

Nyekk


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