{{ mizuki }} Time to forget

Dear all,

In these past 2 weeks I've been buying new furnitures, redesigned my room.. you could say i started a new life :)

While I was cleaning and throwing away my old stuff... i found my old chat-notebooks. A chat-notebook is a small notebook, that we used to chat in high school. With my best friend.
It was more than 6 years ago now, that we stopped being friends. To cut a long story short she basicly got enough of me and replaced me with another girl. She was my best friend.

Until last week I couldn't really decide if I missed her or not. I wondered if i went back in time, would it been better if I behaved differently? The topics I talked about were usually the same, I can understand now why she had enough of me... yeah, i was young and maybe boring. But I cared about her a lot. I was always there for her when she needed a friend.

So a few years ago she started appearing in my dreams randomly. In these dreams we were still friends. I didn't get these dreams. I was so angry at her. She lied to me most of the times, she was never honest with me, I could never tell when she meant something or just said it because she knew what I wanted to hear.

I realized that I just couldn't let her go since then... can't really explain why.
But last week in the middle of cleaning, I found a chat-notebook. I found it before, but didn't want to read it.. you know, it's like meeting the younger you, that you left behind for a reason.
I began reading it, and laughed at first. Then I seriously got disappointed. Not just in her, in myself too.

In that notebook, we kinda talke about everyone in the class. We talked about them like those bitches in american movies, who think that they are better. We joked about them, talked badly about them. I nearly cried. I didn't remember that i was like this. Even if I had a bad opinion of somebody, I would never talk about them like that. I felt awful...

Then I realized, that it wasn't really me in that notebook. It was a friend of that girl. I was influenced. No, don't get me wrong, I still feel sorry what I wrote in that notebook, but the reason I didn't remember being like that is because after she replaced me, I changed. I built my own opinion about people and throw out hers.

After that I got a bit better. I realized that she was never the kind of friend I needed anyway. I just remembered her differently... I remembered what I wanted to remember. I was blind. So after this, I think I will never dream about her again. I'm over it. And to be honest, I think... as weird as it sounds... that I should be glad she replaced me. If she hadn't, I would be a different person now. I should be glad that she let me go so I would never feel that bad again.

Sorry if this post was boring or weird. I wanted to write it out from myself. It helped me move on. I've got the most wonderful friends one would ask for... thank you!
What I would change if I went back in time? I would stop being so naive and easy-to-be-influenced.

mizuki