{{ Pheebs }} Putting the lid on

Hi,

First of all, sorry but I'm going to use you as an emotional dustbin for a little.

I've been a bit depressed for the last couple of months, and I can't seem to crawl out of this pit on my own. So what I decided to do was to use you as my safety pit, pour the things that bother me and make me bitter in that pit and leave them behind. I feel I have to do this to get my usually cheerful self back and move on.

So here it goes:

Pit tenant No1: home

I have had high hopes to have my home ready to welcome me by the end of April. It seems I as mistaken and it is not coming so easy. There are loos rocks that want to see me fall... things I can't control. Things that cause me headache, like the fact that the letter I'm waiting for (that would tell us the date of the inheritance trial) is not coming, and it's mid April already; or that I have to worry about loosing the flat I have my eyes on. I know, I know. I'm being an ass here. Some people don't even have homes. I have one here with my family, where I'm welcomed and all. It's just that I see this 'mi casa' as a kickstarter, to finally start living my life... the way I want it. To finally grow up. So in a way, you can say I see this flat as my adulthood. And I have been waiting a lot to start it.

Pit tenant No2: family

A family home is the place you go to for comfort. For peace. Lately, I feel it's nothing like that. I had a fight with my dad, who seems to have something like a mid-life crisis. It came to the point where he said something to me that I'm not sure can ever forget. After our fight my grandmother called me to tell me she is disappointed, and that I a heartless (the fight was about the dog, who now makes me feel like I'm no longer my father's only daughter, like I have to fight for that place with the dog. Whom my dad would choose over me... yes. He said so. To protect him.). After that I decided not to talk to my grandmother again. I didn't really like her before either.. but after this, I felt I have enough things in my life to keep me stressed. I don't need her to do just that for me. Not when she works so hard to make me feel that I'll never be good enough for her.

Pit tenant No3: drum

Then there is this place that was always a safe place for me, emotionally. Which now seems to put more items on my depression collection. Lately, I feel like I'm just there for display. I am allowed to play, but just until I don't have an opinion. And if I so wish to give voice to that opinion, I pay the price. I get cold shoulder. There were occasions when I did that... gave voice to my opinion I mean. It never met ears. But then someone else did the same thing, and suddenly, it was accepted. I feel cheated. Like in 1 year my position as likeable team member change into a drag. The person who's input is not needed. Who puts effort into things but never gets no pat on the back (except for a small part of the group).

Pit tenant No4: work

I know that in long term this new position will do good for me. It already has. I am no longer nervous when I have to call my co-worker. I am ready to learn new stuff and take on challenges. Even when I feel like it's going to be too much. Now.. I know what awaits me next week. 1 week on-call. Paged at night. And even when not paged, I know I won't be able to sleep. Because that's the kind of person I am. I worry too much. Even when it's pointless. I know that. I just worry about this too much because I feel so under-qualified in this job. I never got the training everyone else did. And I feel stupid most of the time. I remember feeling the same way in my previous position. But a year ago I was doing so well. I knew my stuff. I helped people. Now the only thing I do is ask. Ask questions, all the time. I am in constant need of the help of my co-workers. And it annoys the hell out of me.

Pit tenant No5: body

I never really was content with my body. I always had issues with the size of me. With the proportions. I guess seeing myself among my drum band team mates (all slender and in good form)... I see I'm the odd one. I need other ways of loosing weight. I just always have excuses. The current one is that I'll start running once I moved to my own flat. So that I don't have to worry about whom I bother with showering late. And I mean it this time. I just don't want to start an 8 weeks long routine when it is possible that I have to stop it in the middle due to my moving out. I know. Other excuses.. again.

I used to be the one who tried to cheer others up. Now I feel hopeless. I see the bad in everything. Like the whole world is out to make me feel bad. I don't want this. I want to be my old self. Or just a bit less pessimistic. I complain a lot. And I mean a Lot! I hate that. I want to stop. So here. I put this post as a lid on my depression pit, and hope to find something good in everything to keep me smile. I will start tomorrow morning with a cup of coffee and a good smile. Then I'll watch a few sitcoms to set my mood for next week.
Thanks for being here little blog. You are a good therapist.